Journal Entry  His
by forever fan
Summary: Professor Everett has a few thoughts he needs to get down on paper


Title: Journal Entry - His

Author: Forever Fan

Rating: K+

Spoilers: A few

Category: Romance/Supernatural

Disclaimer: This property belongs to David Gerber Productions and FOX Television.

I make no profit and intend no infringement.

Summary: Professor Everett has a few thoughts he needs to get down on paper.

Feedback: Yes, please

There are times when I find myself intrigued by my own fascination with women. Although it may be flattering to be pursued, it's even more fun to be the pursuer, at least that's always been the way I've found gratification. However, these days I'm finding my interest slipping, not in women, and certainly not in sex, but in certain types of women. Maybe it's because I was raised in an era that is ending fast and I'm used to being the hunter. And as sexist as some modern women may find this – I don't like women seeking me out as prey. Sure, it can be fun at times, but I guess I'm too old fashioned to really enjoy the new social mores. I've been asked out by women and accepted their invitations. I've even come around to responding to their telephone calls and other overt expressions of interest. Some of it has been enjoyable and even exhilarating – but most of the time I find myself losing interest in "modern" women and looking for a more "old fashioned" girl.

I'm aware "old fashioned" and "girl" are terms that seem to date me and limit me in what is today's social environment. But can I help it if I prefer women who are less aggressive than some of the women I meet? I like softer women, gentler women, women with sweeter dispositions and kinder manners. Genteel women – women who are more modest and have strong family values – women like my mother, even if that is a bit Freudian. Women like my late wife – but that comparison seems even more problematic.

And can I help it if I have certain tastes that don't seem to jive with the current politics? I don't mean that women should go back to the kitchen and stay there barefoot and pregnant. And I don't mean that women shouldn't be politically equal and be entitled to pursue any and all field of endeavor along with men. That's not what I mean at all. What I guess I do mean is when it comes to the type of woman I want in my life and in my home and in my bed – it is the type of woman I've always preferred: a woman with the same values and need for family that I do.

Does she exist anymore? I was married for over ten years and I've been widowed for three. I have to realize I haven't been in the "dating pool" for over thirteen years and women and society have changed. Maybe that's why the women I've been dating – although bright and beautiful – are not the women I want in my life on a permanent basis. Dating may be fun, but when it comes to anything more serious I just can't see any one of them being "the one".

Then I think the real problem here is I don't "need" a woman in my life. Right now there is no real need for a wife to do all of those little things a wife does: taking care of the family's social life, the kids, the house, the cooking, the laundry, the garden… And the kids don't have any immediate needs for a mother. Their needs are all being met as well as or in some ways better than when their mother was alive. They are all doing well in school, have thriving extracurricular lives, good friends, and are happy and healthy. The only "need" I have for female companionship is for the occasional formal social outing and when I want to have my ego stroked.

O.K., I'm not being entirely honest here. There is more to going out with women than having my ego stroked. But I don't like to have casual physical relationships. I'm not good at them. The few times a few dates have ended up being intimate encounters I've felt rotten having to end it. Those were women I felt attracted to – but not serious about. That's something else about the new "modern" woman. She may say there are no "strings attached" but there are strings aplenty. I know I've hurt feelings and some of the time those situations have left me stinging. Not because it was over, but because somehow I ended up feeling as if I were cheating myself.

Once I had almost convinced myself that since things at home were going so well, there really was only one reason to date: sex. But after some predatory dating, I realized I'm not that kind of man. I don't want a woman just for fun and games. I want and "need" a woman I can love. I want a woman who fulfills the roles of mother and wife – in every sense of the word. And I do want my home complete again.

So that leaves me with considering finding someone I can be "serious" about. That's much easier said than done. As I've pointed out, I don't feel the "need" for a woman in my life as wife and mother. No, there is already someone in my life who fulfills those roles better than anyone I can imagine. Nanny is wonderful at being the near-perfect mother and wife…well, except for one rather important thing…

Oh, yes, I have considered – I just don't think she'd ever consider – would she?

This isn't something I've thought of once or twice and dismissed. I've thought about this nearly everyday for two years. How impossible would it be for any man – ANY man – not to consider a bright, beautiful, gentle, old-fashioned, kind, sweet – what did I just say?

Yes, I know that's what I just said I wanted.

However, there are reasons why it wouldn't work out for me to date my children's nanny. For one thing, if she isn't interested in me at all in that way (and she's given no clear indication that she is) chances would be she'd leave due to the awkwardness created and I'd be single-handedly turning the household upside-down. For another thing, we are extremely different people. Sure, we seem to have the same core values of responsibility, integrity and family; but where I'm a very pragmatic and concrete thinker, Nanny's very whimsical and believes in the unseen world. So far that's raised some very interesting questions and some crazy situations and admittedly, it has made life more fun – but are those differences things I could live with for the rest of my life? Could she?

Then there is the concern that she may or may not still be engaged. I never did get a complete answer to that question, and it might not be a good idea to pry. I don't like to think about the time I'd met her life-long fiancé, or look too closely at how his visit had made me feel. The entire family was upset over the prospect of losing her – and I was as close to feeling pure, unadulterated sexual jealousy as I'd ever felt in my life. And the last thing is: what if Nanny is interested in a relationship with me? Where would that leave us? I mean, there are times when my dreams and my imagination have taken off and I could believe an incredible "happily ever after" scenario was the only option open to us – but it is also possible we could both be taking a chance at making each other – and the children – miserable.

But the idea – just the idea – of having everything I already have with her: the smoothly functioning home, the happy children, someone to discuss all of those important family decisions with, the stimulating conversations – AND to have such a beautiful, warm and loving woman in my bed…

Yes, it is enough to make me want to quit dating and concentrate only on _her. _

What did I say earlier about feeling predatory? Yeah, Nanny makes me feel that way. I wish I could say that I was enlightened enough not to consider every attractive woman as a potential bedmate, but I'm not. But I can say I am enlightened enough NOT to act on those feelings – most of the time. And as far as Nanny is concerned, I have NOT acted on those feelings – most of the time. No, I am proud to say that I have NEVER acted on those feelings towards her. However, whether or not she is aware of those feelings I can't say. Although given her rare intuition I can't believe she isn't aware of some of my stray thoughts – from mild complimentary ones regarding her charming good looks to wild and fully graphic ones including charms I've never even glimpsed.

And yes, I should be embarrassed, but I'm not. Well, I'm usually not. Although there have been many of these dreams… They say lucid dreams are indicative of some sort of astral travel and that you and the person you are dreaming about are actually having the same dream together, possibly even having the same experience together. Well, if that's true, we've already been man and wife in every sense many, many times, and our "happily ever after" is secure.

In fact, I think Nanny is the one who told me that esoteric fact about lucid dreams in the first place! Maybe I have less to worry about here than I think. Not that I really believe…

I know there is more to a happy marriage than incredible sex, but having been happily married I can tell anyone that it is a key aspect to a healthy marriage. I believe you can have good sex in a poor relationship; but it is nearly impossible to have poor sex in a good relationship. And we already have a good relationship. We like each other, respect each other, enjoy each other's sense of humor and are attracted to each other. Yes, Nanny is attracted to me – I've been around long enough to know when a woman is looking at me in that way. And she flirts with me – or rather she flirts back. Her warm smiles and her musical laugh always disarm me, and I could drown in those dark, sea blue eyes. I know she likes what she sees when she looks into mine – there have been times when we both couldn't look away. But it never seems to be the right time to say anything or to do anything. We're never alone or we're never alone for long. And as frustrating as it is, maybe it's a good thing. Or maybe it's one of those things I can never be sure if she's making happen or not.

I've thought about "dating" Nanny, even to the extent of considering where we'd go and how I'd act. I guess it almost seems silly to think about – in my mind things are either the way they are now or we make a lifetime commitment. How do you date someone you've lived with for years? Going out to dinner? We've had hundreds of meals together. Going to a movie? We've seen dozens of movies together – at home, at the cinema, at the drive-in – although there have been three kids along and sometimes a dog – but the fact remains we've been to movies together. I know there are concerts and theatre and romantic picnics and drives… I guess it worries me a little that we might not have anything to say to one another without having the house and the kids as perennial topics. Maybe we are just employer and employee. In truth, I know very little about her. I know a substantial amount about her crazy relatives and some things about her travels, but what do I really know about HER? Still, it would be fun to find out.

One thing is for sure: Nanny is not the type of "modern" woman who is going to ask me out on a date, even if she wanted to. So I'm sure I can indulge my pursuing, hunter persona in order to seek out this prey. But she's hardly a passive person; Nanny is a woman who knows her own mind, so if I ask her out on a date she'll let me know soon enough if she is interested in me "in that way" or not. Her good manners will either let me down gently or accept with grace. And then there's my chance to play predator.

One of the oddest things I have to admit about my dating life is how much I'd look forward to coming home from an evening out and telling Nanny all about them! How's that for strange? I guess it started innocently enough, I'd return home early and she'd still be up, maybe sewing or watching the eleven o'clock news, and we'd share a cup of coffee or cocoaand I'd tell her about my evening. She always seemed interested in where I'd been and what my date and I had done, and was always kind, solicitous and supportive of the women I'd dated. It didn't happen all of the time, but it happened often enough that when Nanny wasn't waiting up for me (if in fact, that's what she was doing) I'd miss that time together. Yes, it was odd to be talking to her about other women, but it was somehow comforting to share that side of my life with her as well. The conversations were never too personal as I didn't see the same woman more than a few times and the details were never very intimate. Still, to feel so comfortable with a woman and to be able to discuss other relationships with her is rare indeed.

Funny, on those very few occasions when the date went further than casual, Nanny was never waiting for me. Once, I remember coming home as if I were sneaking into my own house, looking around for her and feeling guilty – almost as if I had been cheating on her. Even at the time I remember thinking how stupid it was for me to be feeling that way: I was a single man who had every right to do whatever he wanted to do with whomever he wanted to do it with. I wasn't hurting anyone, was I? Still, I remember feeling a lingering guilt the following morning, and it seemed as if we'd both had more difficulty with our usual friendly banter. Over the next few days, I'd made an effort to spend more time with her and the kids, making certain I was home with her in the evenings. I also remember breaking it off with that woman a week or so later, feeling as if I didn't have a good reason to stop seeing her, but also feeling it wasn't right to continue. She'd been hurt and I'd been confused, but the time I spent at home afterwards was more relaxed. And Nanny returned to being friendly and almost affectionate - so that had made it all worthwhile.

Also, although the women I tend to be attracted to are professional and academic types, I always seem to learn the most from Nanny. I enjoy that and find her ability to educate me fascinating. My conversations with professional women are similar to the ones I have with my male colleagues: we tend to have the same views on politics, social issues, etc. However, the conversations I have with Nanny are both intellectually stimulating and thought provoking. She's remarkably intelligent and well-read, and her unorthodox views don't seem quite so whimsical or easily dismissed when she presents a detailed argument complete with facts. I know that because I've reviewed and researched the information she's shared with me. Nanny seems to have an encyclopedic knowledge of arcane facts, but they are established facts nonetheless. How and where she obtained such a knowledge base I don't know. She's never directly answered questions about her schooling, or in fact given any concrete information about her past. I have a vague understanding of her home and family, but I don't even know her age! And I absolutely refuse to believe the validity of the passport my sons read: there is no way possible that the fresh faced beauty in my home is 107 years old!

So, while the silly stories of her relatives (not to mention the relatives themselves) keeps me amused, the intelligent conversations we've shared keeps me intrigued. No matter how much time I spend with her, Nanny is never boring and she always keeps me guessing. I do tend to become bored with most of the women I've dated: it's no coincidence I almost married a woman I met in college and did marry a woman I met in graduate school. I admit I can only fall in love with a woman who keeps my mind engaged as well as my heart. And no matter how lovely a woman is, if she can't keep up with the way my mind works; she isn't going to make her way into my heart.

That's the way it was with my late wife. Although out of necessity most of the conversations throughout our marriage were concentrated on the children and household needs, we always took time to discuss other things. We talked about my work, her work, and the world outside of our snug little home. We had the strong shared belief to raise our children the same way: to be concerned about the world they lived in, and to try make it a better place by living responsible, moral, and involved lives. And Nanny has stepped right into her place by supporting me and my children both by upholding those values and by living those morals by example. While watching her encourage the children (and me) I've seen her live her life the same way – Nanny is never shy with her opinion if she finds something unjust, and never hesitates to become involved to help right something she finds wrong. I've never met a person with more integrity or honesty – even if she does keep some secrets about herself**.**

By contrast, the women I've been involved with over the past two years, although very involved in work and sometimes involved in outside causes, seem to be overly concerned with things I've always viewed as shallow. Granted, single women may feel they have to be very careful about their looks, but one more dinner with a woman counting calories or whatever they do before they order a meal and I swear I'll get up and leave the table! Nanny eats anything and everything she chooses, has a varied and healthy appetite, and never seems to put an ounce on that trim yet very curvy figure. Yes, I noticed that about her too. I'm not oblivious and I'm not a monk. And a woman that treats eating as a natural biological function would probably know how to assuage other natural appetites just as thoroughly. As a scientist, I can make that logical hypothesis and as a man I can only hope it is true.

Women will never know how boring the details of their diet and exercise habits are to a man; and their struggles with weight are usually an immediate turn off. Nearly as bad are the lengthily monologues single mothers have about their children. I consider myself a very loving and involved father and it is true that my children are endlessly fascinating to me. However, they do make for bad topics of conversation on a date. I'll admit I've gotten into some very long dinner discussions with single mothers about everything from the tantrums of toddlers, to curfew times for teenagers. And although I adore my children, after an evening of this I find myself bored to tears and not eager for a second date. That's another thing about Nanny: although we discuss the children nearly constantly, she always seems to know when the practical need for that topic can wind down, and either leaves me alone or changes the conversation to something more stimulating.

And she does know when I need time alone and when I need company. That's something nearly impossible to get right in a marriage. My late wife had a spectacularly lousy sense of timing whether discussing money matters or her parents visiting or initiating sex. Although I have no idea if Nanny would pick the wrong time to initiate sex (however, at this point NO time would be the wrong time) she does bring things to my attention at the right moment. I know I'm reluctant to believe she has any occult knowledge, but I will say she does have wonderful intuition. And the idea that Nanny can anticipate my needs works its way into my fantasies more often than her healthy appetite does.

All right, I know I must sound fairly sex obsessed by this point, and maybe I am. I've been sleeping alone for a long time now, and for a man once happily married, living through my wife's long illness and these past three years has been trying. The few times I've discreetly indulged my needs have left me feeling less than satisfied because what I want is a lover, not a playmate. Contrary to popular belief these days, not all men want to live the Hugh Hefner lifestyle. I don't want an eager girlfriend or series of girlfriends; I want a warm and loving wife. I want a woman to come home to, to share things with, a woman who wants and needs me as much as I want and need her. Sure, I want an active and fulfilling sex life, but I don't want a woman to meet me at the door wrapped in Saran Wrap and holding a martini. I want a woman to greet me at the door with a sweet kiss, a warm embrace and a cup of tea.

Yes, I am aware I just said "a cup of tea".

And it is true I was never much of a tea drinker until…

Is that really important? I've changed a lot during the past two years, and probably the least important change is how I take my caffeine. I think Nanny has influenced me to become more open to different ways of thinking, more indulgent of the children's whims and imaginations, and less rigid – even in my work. I'm happier now than I've been in a very long time, less stressed and more relaxed. I take time for tennis and golf and fishing and the kids. My diet is better, I sleep better, and I laugh more.

And I date less.

I'm not really "in love", am I? I'll admit to being healthier and happier and more content at home since Nanny arrived. I enjoy my children more, and they are thriving. But being happy doesn't necessarily mean I'm in love. Just because she's done a fabulous job with me and the kids and the house and I'm grateful doesn't mean I'm in love. Just because we have an easy, domestic, _working _relationship doesn't mean I'm in love. Just because I enjoy her company and she seems to enjoy mine and we get along well doesn't mean I'm in love. Just because I find Nanny beautiful, warm, generous and well – downright sexy – doesn't mean I'm in love. And just because I look forward to seeing her every morning and every night and miss her when she isn't there, and panic at the thought of losing her, that doesn't mean…

O.K. then, what DOES it mean?

Maybe it means I'm a grateful employer. I'm lucky. Nanny does a perfect job as a family retainer and seems to be able to do almost anything. She's terrific. I admire her. She's impossible not to like. She'd be impossible to replace. She's intelligent and caring and adores my children. She's funny and kind and unpredictable and made my home a wonderful place to be. She's elusive at times and that teasing way of hers is exciting but… Sure, maybe I do love Nanny for all of those things, but that doesn't mean I'm "in love" with her. It doesn't mean I want her in my life forever, that I want her to be my wife – to have and to hold and to share everything (although to be honest, there isn't much I haven't already shared with her) including a permanent place in my heart and in my bed. And as I've told myself again and again: Sexual attraction doesn't equal being in love even if it is the _strongest _sexual attraction you've ever felt in your life.

So why is it I can't imagine any other woman in my life but her?

Possibly I haven't given myself enough of a chance. Maybe some of those women I've so casually rejected after a date or two should be given another look? There are plenty of old girlfriends…

And there are plenty of old boyfriends. I've been thinking so much about if or how or why I can fit Nanny into my life, I haven't seriously considered if or how or why she can fit me into her life. She's been in these situations before – taking care of a widower and his children – and I'm almost certain she's never been involved with any of them romantically. So why should I think she'd consider it now? What do I really have to offer her? Yes, I have a nice home and a good, secure job – but I also have three kids and a menagerie of animals and can hardly drop everything and take her on romantic getaways at a moments notice. Not that she seems to be suffering from wanderlust at this particular time but…

And what is the attraction to her old fiancé? Is it just because it is a family custom and tradition that Nanny would marry a guy like that? Or does she love him? He seemed nice enough and I could like him – if I could just get my thoughts of murderous jealousy under control. He's certainly more similar to her than I am. He's like the rest of her family: his wanderlust, his fanciful attitude towards life and work, his generosity, his kind humor, his acceptance of my family and me – even including me in their wedding ceremony to "give the bride away". And he was agreeable when Nannydelayed the marriage to stay with us. At the time I was elated she had chosen to stay, although I'd pushed the "at least for another year" comment to the back of my mind. So maybe Nanny knows she'd be happier with one of her own kind – maybe she knows she could never be happy with me – if she'd even considered me a rival for her affections. After all, I've never actually _said _anything.

O.K., this type of thinking is getting me nowhere. Why did I ever start writing all of this down anyway? I just wanted to get a few things straight for myself and before I knew it… Look, as things stand Nanny is engaged and I'm supposed to be looking for a woman to have a social life with and eventually marry. I shouldn't think so hard about these things, if it's meant to be…

Oh, great – I keep telling myself attraction and fondness doesn't equal love, yet I'm sitting here thinking the way Nanny thinks – believing in fate, destiny and kismet. Well, would it be fate, destiny or kismet if I walked out of this den and into the kitchen and kissed her? Would she think I had lost my mind and rush away? Would she be horribly insulted and slap my face? Or would she melt into my arms and kiss me back passionately? O.K., that's probably not going to happen; I'm not going to walk up to Nanny right in the middle of her doing the dishes and act as if I have the right to do that. Hell, if I ever took advantage of her like that I'd probably _insist_ she smack my face. But what would she say if I asked her out to dinner? Would she think I was making a joke? Would she be terribly embarrassed and politely decline? Or would she hurry out to buy the sexiest little black dress she could find?

Again, this type of thinking is getting me nowhere. Figuring out the true designs of my heart is not as simple as creating a calculus midterm.

Where is Nanny now? The kids should be in bed and maybe we could have a quiet talk. I'll try not to frighten her – or myself. Perhaps if I gently ask her for a dinner date she'll just smile and be too polite to decline.


End file.
